recent reads

what I've been reading lately...

Methland: The Death and Life of an American Small Town, Nick Reding

I'm inherently attracted to books with anthropology at their heart. This is one of those books that covers one my areas of anthropological interest: drugs and their impact on communities. The author traces the rise of meth creation and use in America, particularly in relation to small towns in the Midwest. It's based on personal stories, lots of research and lots of musings about the many factors that contribute to drug use and the destruction it brings. Definitely a bit on the academic side, but I found it really interesting.

Still: Notes on a Mid-Faith Crisis, Lauren Winner

Yes, a million times yes. If you're looking for a thoughtful, pointed reflection on faith, doubt and what it means to muddle through the middle- you should read this. I have liked Winner since I read her first memoir and this next book gave me lots to think about and left me with lots of underlines paragraphs.

Smokin' Seventeen & Explosive Eighteen, Janet Evanovich

Two in a part of a mystery series about Stephanie Plum, a bounty hunter in Trenton, New Jersey who runs through all sorts of snafus, silly events and craziness while trying to catch those who skip bond.

I Have Iraq in My Shoe, Gretchen Berg

A memoir of a woman who moves to Iraq for two years to teach English at a university. There were some funny parts, some parts that made me cringe and some parts that made me think all of us English teachers have the same issues.

Jumped In: What Gangs Taught Me about Violence, Drugs, Love and Redemption, Jorja Leap

Gangs. Research. Interviews. History. A memoir of a professor and researcher who spends her time collecting the stories of gang members in Los Angeles, I read this in about a day. It's new, it's incredibly interesting and it will teach you all sorts of things about gang culture, poverty and what does and doesn't work in encouraging gang members to leave the gang for good.

What are you reading these days? Any book suggestions for my memoir-loving self?

(also, confession: I've also re-read The Hunger Games about four times. But I decided that didn't really count)

the search: apartment #1

So we've talked the basics of looking for an apartment in Ulaanbaatar and I've outlined my fairly hopeful wishes for the outcome.

Now it's time for some reality.

One of the places that fell on our possibility list had awesome location. It is super close to the school where I'll be working in the fall and I could easily walk there in probably under 10 minutes.

So after calling and talking to the owners we decided to head over and take a look.  The owner had warned Tsogoo on the phone that it was an older building and that there were some things that needed fixing up after the previous tenants had left.

I did not register this as something to be overly concerned about. My last apartment here was in older building and it was totally fine. There were some minor upkeep issues, but nothing unmanageable. And older generally means it's going to be more affordable. So I was on board with this possibility. Tsogoo was a little more skeptical.

We got to the street and were walking around trying to find the correct building (have I mentioned there are no street markers here? So the buildings are numbered and you have to walk around and try to find the numbers (usually small and sometimes hard to find) or ask people where the building is). I was still in hopeful anticipation mode. Tsogoo was looking around and growing increasingly convinced that this was not going to work.

Finally he called the owners again, confirmed that we were standing in front of the right building, hung up, looked at me and said, "No."

Uhhhh...yeah. I stood there and tried to convince him we should wait for the owners to show up so we could see the inside, but he was over it. Apparently the broken windows just weren't doing it for him.

Finally I agreed that yes, we probably could find something better than this slightly scary, falling apart building in front of us. So we left without meeting them or looking inside.

I don't really count this as one of our three "choices," but I thought I'd include it for back story just the same. And to prove that my fiance does tend to be more practical than me, even when it requires convincing me to not just take something because it would be a good "deal."

So onto the real apartment #1....

We visited this one the same evening and had some pros and cons before seeing it:

Pros: good location (I'd still be able to walk to work in a reasonable amount of time), on a main road with easy access to public transportation, within our budget, and not too far from the neighborhood I was aiming for.

Cons: unfurnished

Onto the inside...

Here's the first thing you see when you walk in....the "kitchen" :

one of the bedrooms:

the living room:

the tiny second bedroom:

All in all, it was a pretty spacious apartment for the price and the guy who showed it to us was nice (he even pulled out some formal British English when he found out I was American- hilarious and kind). 

But....the whole time all I could think was OH MY GOSH all of the stuff we would have to buy. And that's me thinking about the basics- not some swanky set-up (which we do not need or want). And the kitchen....oh the kitchen. Does that even count as a kitchen? It's a sink in a corner in the room that the apartment opens into. 

Tsogoo was pretty excited by how many rooms there were and because he likes being thrifty, talked about how cheaply we could build cabinets/cupboards/bookshelves, etc. 

And (and this is a pretty big AND), the landlord said he would be willing to let us pay just 3 months rent upfront and then we could pay month to month after that which is basically unheard of here. Not having to pay a year's worth of rent at once would be awesome. But is it worth the stress of having to furnish the entire apartment? 

I think if I knew we weren't going to move for another 5 to 10 years (at least not internationally) I wouldn't be so hesitant. But the plan is that we will move internationally in the fairly near future and I do not want to have to try to sell/give away/store all of the things we would have to spend money on. 

All of that to say:

1.) Good location. Nice landlord. Good amount of space. 

2.) Absolutely nothing in it. I am really not excited about having to furnish it. Tsogoo is less overwhelmed at the thought of this.

3.) In our budget range (and he was willing to knock off 50,000 tugruks a month since it's so bare bones) and we could pay monthly. 

What are your thoughts on option #1? (and fake option #1 that we didn't really look at?) Would you be up for fully furnishing an apartment? Does the bare sink bother you as much as it bothers me? 

softening the edges a bit

new places are full of sharp corners, unexpected turns and bumpy roads that you fail to see until you are flying over them, bracing for impact and fear.

transitions, when I think of them as a thing that I could hold in my hand, are pointy and sharp and full of ragged, twisted lines that threaten to pierce you if you move the wrong way. they are meant to be held cautiously, with gentle breath and quiet eyes...one moment dissolving slowly into the next until there is nothing left to hold...transition over, finished, complete.

***

the summer I worked in Brooklyn I woke up every morning with a weighty rock of anxiety in my stomach.

I would tip toe down the stairs from my "bedroom" in the choir loft and find my way to the one shower in the old church we called home. I would shower in the dark quiet and try to breath, convincing myself I could do it.

"I can do this. I can do this day. I can do it."

I would repeat those things to myself over and over before I had to get dressed and wake up the 70 some high school students and their chaperones waiting for me and my coworkers to be their leaders for the day.

It scared the hell out of me to be responsible for them. It brought up every fear and doubt I had about myself and mixed them together into this terrible feeling that would clench at my stomach and grip at my lungs. There were moments, in the midst of leading, of talking, of explaining and of directing those high schoolers that I would have to pause and push the rising nerves down, convincing myself that I was capable, I was strong. I could not stop and hide, so I wouldn't.

It was simultaneously ones of the most difficult things I've done and one of the most transformative summers of my life.

Facing that rock of anxiety every morning gave me the courage to go to Bolivia. It gave me the courage to write risky stories and to publish them for an entire college campus to read. It gave me the courage to come to Mongolia. To go to Omaha. To come back. To make decisions for me and not anyone else.

The fear and doubt hasn't necessarily gone away. But I have learned how to keep moving, to keep doing, to keep praying that there will be a moment where their shouts of possible failure will become whispers, barely heard at all.

***

adjusting back to life in Mongolia has been nothing like I had anticipated. I didn't really know what to expect, except not this.

some things have been so easy. returning to church, talking to my friends, hugging the little ones I love there. eating Mongolian food, riding public transportation, paying in tugruks, speaking Mongolian, watching snow fall in May.

and yet, some things have been so...sharp. they have been like walking across rocks barefoot, the jabs of hard corners digging themselves in as you try to anticipate the safest path to take and yet still being surprised, over and over again from the unexpected poke.

***

two weeks I ago I had a hell of a Tuesday. It was nothing short of disastrous and my emotions were a heap of "I cannot keep doing this" by the end. Most of it was teaching related, but I was also just generally overwhelmed with that rock of anxiety in my stomach. With that heavy cloud of perceived failure looming over me.

I cried. I bemoaned my students and their terrible attitudes and yelled about their absolute disregard for authority and how I must be a horrible, awful, no good teacher. I ate too many cheese puffs at bible study. And I wallowed in my worry and frustration, wondering if anything would ever be easy here again. Wondering if I would ever get to feel like I could DO SOMETHING.

a week later, I woke up on yet another Tuesday.

and the whole day felt like someone had taken the sharp corners and softened them, melted them down, made them a little less a jab and a little more something to hold, to ponder, to treasure.

my students behaved (sort of). my afternoon classes were cancelled due to a field trip. one of my most students walked with me to the bus stop and talked to me non-stop the whole way there (in English) and was genuinely sweet.

then, a mom and her two little ones sat next to me on the bus. she was headed to the black market and kept chiding the little boy to stay awake (note: so easy to fall asleep on the bus- I did it just last week for about 40 minutes). She couldn't carry his sleeping sister and him when they got to the market, so she was doing all she could to keep him from nodding off.

I decided to join in the effort, enlisting my handy cell phone for the "keep-him-awake" game and soon found myself helping him take pictures of his scrunchy cheeks...and watching his face light up at silly games.

I got off that bus and watched my pink skirt sway in the wind. The pinch that had been residing in between my ribs for the past month was gone. I could breathe and everything seemed a little bit softer, a little bit gentler, a little bit more a hue of possible.

no, fear does not get to stake its claim on this ground. no, the hard will not last forever.

some days will let the edges get soft and they will remind me that I can.

house hunters:mongolia, twenty-something style

Have you watched the House Hunters International episode filmed in Mongolia? It's from 2011, but it gives a good sense of the city. I've watched it a few times and find it amusing that they featured the founder of one of the largest English language schools here in UB as their house hunter. 

When I was home this March, my dad and I had a great time watching House Hunters together. There's something incredibly fun about seeing people's possible housing choices and then seeing if they agree with what you would choose. 

There may already be a House Hunters: Mongolia, but let's face the truth of that episode. Mr. Mongolia had the money to look at bathtub-in-the-bedroom apartments. Most of us living in Ulaanbaatar do not have that kind of money in our apartment budgets. 

Tsogoo and I have just started our own apartment search as soon-to-be-married UB dwellers.  

A few things to note about looking for an apartment in Mongolia:

1.) Most landlords require you pay the full year's worth of rent when you sign the contract. No month to month rent paying here. This is also means we have to find something where we can afford to pay all 12 months of rent at once. 

2.) Apartments can be available furnished or unfurnished. What furnishes means is up for debate. Some furnished apartments have just about everything you could need. Other "furnished" apartments don't have an oven, washing machine or other things that you might guess would be included. 

3.) Apartments are listed by number of rooms. One would guess this means number of bedrooms (or at least that's how Americans tend to understand that). In Mongolia, the number of rooms is the literal number of rooms. A one room apartment is not a one bedroom (with a living room/kitchen). It is one room (what we would call a studio apartment). 

4.) Some of the prices are listed in tugruks. Some of the prices are listed in US dollars. Why they list rent prices in a foreign currency is a puzzle to me, but I guess it's for foreigners like me who spend a lot of time calculating exchange rates in her head. 

My personal ground rules for the apartment search:

1.) The apartment should be within our fairly conservative budget.

2.) It would be nice if it were close to a bus stop or a main road that would make getting places fairly easy. 

3.) Proximity to work would be an advantage but is not a deal breaker. 

4.) I would like to avoid feeling like I live in a shoebox if at all humanly possible. Winters are long here and we will spend a lot of time in our apartment. Claustrophobic is a feeling I'd like to avoid. 

5.) I'm leaning heavily towards a furnished apartment rather than an unfurnished one. We'll be moving cross-continentally again fairly soon (although we don't know exactly when yet...a year or two probably) and I don't want to invest in a bunch of household goods if we'll just have to worry about selling them again. 

In coming posts, pictures and pros and cons for the first two places we've visited! (we've got more to call and visit as well) 

the note

this is what I found posted on the wall of one of my classrooms this week...

Dear Teachers, 

Please receive our apologies if we made you some causes for anger during study.  

Thank you for everything,
8a grade

It made me laugh! And made me realize they were listening when I yelled at them last week for not doing what they were supposed to.

that moment

the classroom is chaotic. it almost always is. third graders are impossible to corral. there is a pack of unruly boys that routinely run wild, refuse to listen, punch each other, hide under the desk and talk like crazy people who can't keep their mouths closed. 

but today is special. today we're reading. we're reading beautiful borrowed books. with pictures and English words and stories. 

and the classroom is still chaotic. the boys are still running in circles and throwing fists. but the one. that one boy who is the bane of my 3rd grade existence. he stops.

he ceases punching and kicking and talking for a minute. he stands at a desk (because goodness knows I'll never get him to sit) and he reads. 

for a moment he sounds out the letters and puts together the words. his finger inches across the lines and he concentrates. he's doing what I've asked and I'm almost speechless. 

reading day is grand. 

because for a moment, for a few moments in the middle of a Friday morning, that boy stood still and read a book. 

a miracle indeed. 

(these pictures are not of my chaotic 3rd graders. these are my sweet, well-behaved 2nd graders)

today

today is one of those gray, chilly Mongolian days where the morning starts with dark clouds over the mountains.

it's one of those days where you notice soft wisps of snow in the middle of your frustrating, not quite awake but still alert enough to be disobedient 9th grade class.

today is one of those days where in between morning classes the sky fills with huge, gorgeous snowflakes and all of the crazy students run out into the courtyard to take pictures and scream. all of the teachers stand in the staff room and watch the sky be taken over with white sheets of wet feathers.

today is one of those days where the classroom is perpetually cold and the classroom door won't stay closed unless your students wrangle a hacked piece of paper in the exact right crevass.

it's one of those days where 15 students will sit and look at you as you try to get them to read and at least 75% of them will half attempt to read while also intently playing tetris on their cell phones.

it's one of those days where the gray and the cold makes you susceptible to students' whining to "pleasssssssseeeee can we play a gaaaaaaameeeeeeee." So you play Hangman. For 30 minutes. And every answer they come up with is a movie.

today is one of those days where drinking tea and eating chocolate sounds much better than exercising or lesson planning.

today is one of those days. and honestly? I'm grateful to be here for it.